Bec (saturniia) wrote in ducksues,

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Mary-Sue alert! Remain tuned-in for updates...

TITLE: Preppy (2 chapters in, so far)

AUTHOR: tudilovesyou

NAME(S): Taylor Carlyle

AFFILIATION: established: Adam's friend, also seems to be setting up as a crush on Portman

HAIR COLOUR: Brown (waist-length)

EYE COLOUR: as yet unknown

SPECIAL POSESSIONS/HOBBIES/TALENTS: excellent singer, sticks to prock so far; rides horses, we assume quite well though we're not told

HISTORY: Texan parents are quite rich. She met Adam because his family "summers" nearby (which is really too bad. I hear summer is the Twin Cities' nicest season). When he calls her during D2 about Portman and Ms. McKay, she tells him off. Since the song she chose is "Living in the Shadows" (Ashlee Simpson), we assume that her parents favor an unmentioned sibling... either that, or she's just a drama queen.

CONNECTIONS TO CHARACTERS: Adam's summer friend, apparently Portman's crush, Julie and Connie seem willing to get to know her.

DOES S/HE PLAY HOCKEY? IF SO DETAILS: It's inferred that she doesn't.

NOTES: This isn't badfic, just annoyingly ordinary. Same old, same old, blah, blah, blah, with plot holes big enough to drive a Mack truck through. For example, she's a high school junior (assumed age 15-17), and sings in a club. Also, the way they're setting her up with a certain penalty-box stripper is just a little too convenient. Oh, and the total reversal between preppy!Taylor and rocker!Taylor... couldn't the author have spread that out just a little more? Fic where happily-ever-after between canon and OC characters comes super-easy are really not my style.


Taylor followed the Dean into her single dorm room , “Well Miss Carlyle what do you think of your room” ,”first of all Dean Buckley please call me Taylor, and secondly its gorgeous but you didn’t have to give me a single” , “Nonsense Miss Carlyle”, Taylor rolled her eyes. Her parents said their good byes and eventually Taylor was left with her mound of luggage and an empty room. She jumped on her bed , “I’M FREE I’M FREE HALLELUJAH I’M FREE”, the petite girl screamed. She climbed off her bed and began to talk aloud to herself , “who would have thought that I would ever get away from them , this was a great plan I should have thought of it earlier , 16 and on my own with my brand new truck and daddy’s plastic , I guess having rich snotty parents can be a good thing sometimes. And who would have thought that while I was here a month ago checking out the campus that I would get a job singing at a club , I am one lucky girl” she finished her thoughts and went to work unpacking her suitcases.

My comments: All right, it's not inconcievable that they give her a single; I'm living in one at college right now. The doting Dean is believable only because it's her first day. My only beefs so far are her jumping on the bed (if they're remotely like the ones we have at school, they aren't exactly sturdy), and singing in the club. These next bits, however...

...Taylor was walking on stage, she was dressed in black velour pants that hung on her hips and a fitted pink t-shirt her long brown hair lying flat down to her waist. Dean Portman took notice to the small petite yet curvy figure she had , she looked like a miniature woman.

Okay, did I miss something here? Why do we care that her pants are black velour and her t-shirt's pink? Does that have anything to do with the narrative? I mean, we assume that she isn't up there naked. Plus, the whole "was walking", "was dressed" thing annoys me. You don't need to use passive verbs or past-tense verbs and gerundives! "Taylor walked" and "she wore"... is that too hard? It cuts down on the word count, too. Furthermore, what's this bit about her looking like "a miniature woman"? Rule of thumb, people. Real women have curves. Fake women have dicks. If she's a teenage chick, of course she's going to look like a woman... "small petite" is redundant, and the phrase "full-grown woman" might've worked better than "miniature woman". I know some adult women who are under five feet tall, at least one of whom is under 4'8".

She finished her song and left the stage.

After one song?! OMGWTFBBQ??! (If you don't know, don't ask).

After telling the "Adam calls her" story, which insulted Portman.Taylor moved to get up and Fulton grabbed her arm “I wouldn’t do that he likes to be left alone when he’s mad” , Taylor looked at Fulton apologetically “Yea but when I hurt people I don’t just walk away” with that she stood and ran out of the room. “she never has run out on anyone after she hurts someone, even her parents its just the type of person she is”.

And Fulton's only Dean's best friend. If Taylor's good intentions don't blow up in her face, I'll wonder if the author reads her own work. I'm sure Portman wouldn't have been insulted if Taylor waited until tomorrow to apologize... in fact, he might've welcomed the time to cool down. Hey, even giving Fulton a note to pass to Portman would've been smarter than going after a six foot plus angry enforcer on a school night. By the way, why's everyone in Taylor's room? And isn't there a curfew for guests in the dorms? I'm living in a college dorm, and there's one here, damn skippy!
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